Enlightenment
Three weeks is a lifetime. I come back all warm, loose-limbed and relaxed. New haircut (much shorter now, chin-length), new attitude.
Before I left for my holiday, I felt like I'd been in a funk. My life had been spiralling inwards, imploding, my world enclosed by the black-domed insides of a quail's egg.
I decided that this time it will be different. I am going to be different. Iam going to stop obsessing about work. I will still do my best at work. My mantra will be to check check check. Take my time, to do things properly, systematically, meticulously. To become a liar, to tell myself daily that I love my job, it's the greatest fun in the world. To focus at work. To become a schizophrenic, to tell myself after work that this is it, work's not that important. Leave it at the door. And walk out. Fuck it. I have a life. I want a life. I love my life. I take it in my own hands.
I'm going for French lessons. Saturday mornings. And I have just signed up for a basic tango workshop next Saturday with a friend.
Aye, three weeks is a lifetime. Time slowed down. No agendas, no deadlines. My only targets were shopping targets.
Met up with my much cherished old friends. Multiple eating sessions. Every meeting seems to involve a meal. Enjoying the food, laughing and talking over breakfast/lunch/dinner/drinks. Karaoke (my first time in a KTV lounge). Oh... and I met my ex-housemate's new girlfriend, a wonderful girly girly like I can never hope to be (I adore her). Taking walks, cycling, visting the Bird Park, driving all across town to eat (Subang Jaya Farmland porridge steamboat, anyone?). All the food: my Aunt's 'cow jung', Kayu Nasi Kandar, KL street hawker, Purvis Street coffee shop, Wisma Food Republic, Suntec Fish & Co, Taka Coffee Club, Subang Jaya steamboat. All the conversations: catching up, reminiscing, confiding, speculating.
Chinese New Year. Reunited with my younger cousin (JL) who I hadn't properly seen in ages. We had our first proper conversation. As kids we only used to play together. This was the first time I go to know him better. Also finally got to know his younger sis A. My three adorable nieces, the youngest of which I'm seeing as an individual for the first time—all of six years old, incredibly lively (rather act-cute, I must say), reportedly spoilt. But I adore her. Childish prattle of their 'boyfriends' (he's very skinny and quiet, whispers the eldest sis to me), liking the Standard Three neighbour (when my cousin is Standard Six), the supposed boyfriend/boy-in-the-next-seat "Jellyfish Wong". I laugh in recognition at my own childhood past with its attendant childish boy/girl affairs. Although I am rather surprised by my youngest six year old niece's crushes on several boys and her claim of 'HODAREN' as her boyfriend (isn't six a bit young?) Questions on all sorts of issues/situations. I am, as always, surprisingly good with children, despite my age gap. Endless rounds of Risk, Gin Rummy, bridge (I taught my cousins), gambling (Gin Rummy), and random games with the baby (six-year old niece) WL.
I thaw in the warm air. Am languorous. I am seeped in life, warmth and love. Life is beautiful. Truly, I think. Feel. Believe. There is so much more to life than what I normally realise. I realise I like this. This friends and family thing. This time and space for them. This time and space for me. I could get used to this. I don't want to go back.
And I come to realise that, I could easily give it all up—my job, the bullshit hours, the stress, the unreasonable expectations, yes the pay—for this time and space, this warm calmness. If it came down to one or the other, I would easily make the choice. I mean, this is my life. At the end of the day, this is more important, this feeling of enjoyment, of this warmly bubbling happiness. Come what may, I need to remember that. To hold on to that.
I need to remember that love, family and friendships are what counts. All else is superfluous.
Before I left for my holiday, I felt like I'd been in a funk. My life had been spiralling inwards, imploding, my world enclosed by the black-domed insides of a quail's egg.
I decided that this time it will be different. I am going to be different. Iam going to stop obsessing about work. I will still do my best at work. My mantra will be to check check check. Take my time, to do things properly, systematically, meticulously. To become a liar, to tell myself daily that I love my job, it's the greatest fun in the world. To focus at work. To become a schizophrenic, to tell myself after work that this is it, work's not that important. Leave it at the door. And walk out. Fuck it. I have a life. I want a life. I love my life. I take it in my own hands.
I'm going for French lessons. Saturday mornings. And I have just signed up for a basic tango workshop next Saturday with a friend.
Aye, three weeks is a lifetime. Time slowed down. No agendas, no deadlines. My only targets were shopping targets.
Met up with my much cherished old friends. Multiple eating sessions. Every meeting seems to involve a meal. Enjoying the food, laughing and talking over breakfast/lunch/dinner/drinks. Karaoke (my first time in a KTV lounge). Oh... and I met my ex-housemate's new girlfriend, a wonderful girly girly like I can never hope to be (I adore her). Taking walks, cycling, visting the Bird Park, driving all across town to eat (Subang Jaya Farmland porridge steamboat, anyone?). All the food: my Aunt's 'cow jung', Kayu Nasi Kandar, KL street hawker, Purvis Street coffee shop, Wisma Food Republic, Suntec Fish & Co, Taka Coffee Club, Subang Jaya steamboat. All the conversations: catching up, reminiscing, confiding, speculating.
Chinese New Year. Reunited with my younger cousin (JL) who I hadn't properly seen in ages. We had our first proper conversation. As kids we only used to play together. This was the first time I go to know him better. Also finally got to know his younger sis A. My three adorable nieces, the youngest of which I'm seeing as an individual for the first time—all of six years old, incredibly lively (rather act-cute, I must say), reportedly spoilt. But I adore her. Childish prattle of their 'boyfriends' (he's very skinny and quiet, whispers the eldest sis to me), liking the Standard Three neighbour (when my cousin is Standard Six), the supposed boyfriend/boy-in-the-next-seat "Jellyfish Wong". I laugh in recognition at my own childhood past with its attendant childish boy/girl affairs. Although I am rather surprised by my youngest six year old niece's crushes on several boys and her claim of 'HODAREN' as her boyfriend (isn't six a bit young?) Questions on all sorts of issues/situations. I am, as always, surprisingly good with children, despite my age gap. Endless rounds of Risk, Gin Rummy, bridge (I taught my cousins), gambling (Gin Rummy), and random games with the baby (six-year old niece) WL.
I thaw in the warm air. Am languorous. I am seeped in life, warmth and love. Life is beautiful. Truly, I think. Feel. Believe. There is so much more to life than what I normally realise. I realise I like this. This friends and family thing. This time and space for them. This time and space for me. I could get used to this. I don't want to go back.
And I come to realise that, I could easily give it all up—my job, the bullshit hours, the stress, the unreasonable expectations, yes the pay—for this time and space, this warm calmness. If it came down to one or the other, I would easily make the choice. I mean, this is my life. At the end of the day, this is more important, this feeling of enjoyment, of this warmly bubbling happiness. Come what may, I need to remember that. To hold on to that.
I need to remember that love, family and friendships are what counts. All else is superfluous.
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